The beauty of down time is that it gives you time to reflect on your life.

I've been reading my old journals and it makes me miss the way life was. Still, I'm starting to carve a nice place for myself here and I think I may actually be starting on something like happiness.

Doug and I have been together one year all ready and what a year it has been. My second year of teaching; my first year living on my own with my own salary; adopting the first pet outside of a fish that was mostly my responsibility; dealing with the death of a close friend and the death of a former student; helping my husband adjust to the first big move of his life; dealing with my husband's crazy employment situations; fearing layoffs in the schools; producing the most independent artwork I've ever done in a year; making and keeping lots of new, close friends. This year has been crazy for me. But, I guess, after last year with living in my parents house, adjusting to a new job and being out of college, planning and going through my wedding, Doug's graduation and the move, I'm just used to having way too much to deal with all the time.

I've come to some strange conclusions. The more information I get, the less I know if I can trust it. Every documentary has a counter-documentary that says the exact opposite. Everything I thought about teachers having all the answers and being reliable sources have been re-evaluated by the self-discovery of how fallible I am as a human being and a teacher.

I also see now that if you want to do something, you have to make plans to get it done. WANTING something is not enough; you must DO something about it. That sounds kind of like a late revelation for someone who made it through college with two majors and was immediately employed in her field. But what you have to understand is that I really have to credit my parents with a lot of it. They guided me through picking a major and university. I struggled and did some growing up when I added the second major and decided to stay up north instead of transferring down south; but my parents were supportive of either decision and therefore I was not forced to make a decision outside of the governance. When I graduated, they put on a little pressure for me to come home and I caved very easily. I think it was the right thing to do financially, but as far as taking charge of my own life and creating what I wanted out of it I think it was a major step in the wrong direction.

So now I know, I have options and I have some money and I will make plans to do what I want to do. No more guidance, no more pressure; perhaps my parents will approve and if they do that's great. Otherwise, I feel like I am much more of an adult now and I know, in my heart, that if I want something enough, I will find a way. Just as long as I can bring my husband and my cat!